I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
