I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
