I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
