It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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