no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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