ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
