apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
