I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
