He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
