just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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