Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize