I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
