If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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