the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
