he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
