i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
