How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
