Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
