I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
