just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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