Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
