everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
