I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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