you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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