My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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