first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
