i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
