White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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