His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
