He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
