It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
