I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
