even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Randomize
