i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
