gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
