do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize