I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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