He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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