I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize