It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
