I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
