Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
