Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
