You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize