this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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