Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
