having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
