Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
