if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
