Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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