I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
