He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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