I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
