I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I checked into jail on foursquare
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
