I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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