Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
