connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
