I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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