cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
