I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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