If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
