Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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