I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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